Monday, January 05, 2009

With age comes wisdom...

New year resolutions are a dime a dozen, I know. But not mine. Seriously. For one I don't make a dozen resolutions... not even thru the entire year. And secondly I'm very sincere about the resolutions I make. I make only those resolutions I can keep! 

You see, the problem with resolutions is that that they are generally something to do with making life better. And as we all know anything thats good for you turns out to be bad, which essentially means that they will be difficult to keep up. So the key is to make resolutions that do not fall under the categoy of goodness, life changing, health, etc.

Case in point. Last year I resolved to eat KFC every week of the year and let me tell you I've managed to not only keep up the resolution but have surpassed it by eating KFC atleast 2 times a week! Talk about determination and grit! See, anything is possible, IF you put your mind to it... trust me!

This new year I played a game on Facebook  - Know your Actual age. It had about 30 questions. So I bought out my stock of KFC and started filling the questionnaire. 

It had questions like:

"Do you take regular exercise?" Of course I do! I walk 200 meters to the college everyday... and back!!

"Do you eat out often?" Well, not really. I buy KFC stock for 2-3 days, which means I eat out only 2 times a week... when i go to buy KFC

"Do you have a healthy relation with your partner?" Damn right! She is rather healthy! And I take great pains to be away from her when she blows her steam.

"Do you believe in GOD?" Yes I do. But I dont know if the feelings are mutual.

At the end of 10 minutes I hit the submit button and prepared myself to be pleased to see some figure between 23-25 years. And after a short wait of 10-15 seconds when it did its jantar-mantar, it returned the magic number - 35 years!!

WHAT!!?? thats a good 6 years more than my real age! There must have been some mistake. And to be honest, I was not entirely honest. I did fudge some data when I came to "How often do you eat pre-cooked food?" I had said 7-8 times. But Maggie noodles is not really pre-cooked food is it?

I ran the test again, corrected some of these anomalies and again hit the submit button. It returned the question "Do you really want to go thru this torture again?" Ofcourse! It wont be torture this time! This time the real results would come. All data I entered was true to the best of my knowledge and all that. 

After the customary wait of 10-15 secs the results came. Where I expected a conservative number of 27-29, it returned 43 years!!

Dumb application! It was obviously flawed! How can anyone eating burgers filled with lettuce and tomatoes be called unhealthy. Ofcourse the burger does contain a few other substances like cheese and precooked meat and cheese.. but it also contains 1 lettuce leaf and one slice of tomato too!! Not to mention the bread... fried in oil. Doesn't that count for anything?? Isn't McDonalds a world famous food chain known for its highly efficient supply chain and processing capabilities?

But I'm not a guy who takes these things lightly you know. If there was a problem with my lifestyle that needed correction, thats what I'll do. I resolved then and there - "I shall visit the Gym everyday from today onwards"

True to my word I set out for the college gym later that evening. There was not a soul there. Sheesh... what is this world coming to? Here is a perfectly good gym funded by the college and no one seems to want to even make use of it to improve their health! People should learn from me! I entered the gym and looked around to familiarise myself of the surroundings. Pretty Impressive. They had many dumb bells of different sizes and some mats to lie on and an automatic treadmill etc. 

After 8 months of spending time here at Great Lakes, I had embarked on a new mission - understand how to use a treadmill! I gingerly got on to it and hit the start button. I expected it to start and go all the way upto my maximum speed which I calculated would be around 60 Km/hr. It dint move. I hit the start button again. Still nothing. The power switch was ON and so was the power itself, and yet the treadmill refused to budge. I reasoned it was an intelligent system which sensed a newbie. 

I got off the treadmill and moved on to conquer other bodybuilding tools. I started with one of them big dumbbells. The face of it was bigger than my the outstretched palm! Must have been some 10 Kg each! I picked it up and man it was heavy. I gave it a couple pumps and was exhasted. Man! What's the weight of these things? I searched and saw 1/2 Kg written on it. Must have been a typo. 

Anyway I went on for sometime and finally stopped after what seemed to be hours. I had done a good job, considering it was my first time in a gym. My muscles were already flexing and I was sure in a couple of days I would look as good and be as fit as Aamir Khan in Gajini! I turned to the clock to check how many hours I had been working out. It showed 17 mins since I started. The clock obviously was broken!

As I was basking in self glory, one of my classmates trotted in. He was in full exercise kit - shorts, T-shirt and even an arm band! Poor guy, what does he know! Hey, maybe I can give him a few pointers... after all, dint someone say "You enrich your own life by helping others"? 

Me: "Hey Dude..."
Mr C: "Georgie boy"

Me: "Come for some exercise eh?"
Mr C: "Yeah.. but what happened to you?"

Me: "What? Nothing! What made you say that?"
Mr C: "Well, you look like a wreck!!"

Me: "I was exercising!"
Mr C: "Oh... I see.."

Maybe he was too embarrassed to be around a pro, for he turned and I distinctly heard him cry and sniff... only, the cry part sounded more like a laugh... Well, to each his own, I say!

Me: "Dude, dont worry about this exercise thing... ask me if you need pointers"
Mr C: "Oh.. really? You'll help me kya?"

Me: "Sure! Why Not!"
Mr C: "Ok.. So what do I do?"

Me: "Now you want to start with these dumbbells here... but mind you, there is some typo in them. The one that says 1/2 kg is actually about 10 kg I reckon... maybe they meant to write 12 Kg and had a typo or something!"
Mr C: "No, thats actually a 1/2 Kg"

Me: "Dude! who is the Pro here?? Listen to more experienced ppl ok?"
Mr C: "Sure sir! anything you say"

Me: "Good. It would have been good to go on the treadmill, but it seems broken. Stupid college ppl wont fix it even. Ive told them a million times you know!"
Mr C: "Where is the key?"

Me: "What key?"
Mr C: "For the treadmill"

Me: "Dude.. there is no ignition or anything! It runs on electricity... You know, current and all that... There is a motor under it"
Mr C: "Ok..." 

I dunno why, but he went thru the crying bit again! Poor chap! He must be really embarrassed! And he had every right to be, if you ask me! After all, one doesn't get to ask these questions to a Pro like me every day right?

Me: "Dude dont cry... its fine... Look, though i have a distinct advantage over you, Ill let you in on a secret. Even with my fantastic physic, a facebook application pegged my age at 43! Ofcourse, its wrong about the age, but the point is, its never too late to start..."

I had been discoursing to him and he had been behind me all the time. I turned to see a horrific sight. Mr C had picked up one of those weight lifts, one much bigger than that 12 Kg one with the typo and started pumping in earnest. I tried to stop him, for he was a good friend... and I dint want him to hurt himself just because he compared himself to me!

Me: "Dude... stop it! You'll only hurt yourself if you try to emulate me so soon into the fitness regime!!"
Mr C: "Its OK Uncle... I've assimilated all that you told me... after all, I do respect my elders!!"

And then he went on to pump iron for some 2-3 hours (that too according to that broken clock!) and also went on to run on the treadmill after inserting a metal key into one of the slots that activated the machine... Somehow I get this weird feeling that he had been to the gym before... but I cannot say for sure!

As for my New Year resolution, I still follow it to the alphabet. 

I visit the gym everyday without fail!!!


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